Friday, August 11, 2006

Motherhood

Last night my 5 year old son was hatching a plot to kill me. He enlisted his dad to do the dirty work and in graphic details explained to him how to stick the knife in me! But he also asked his dad to take me elsewhere, because he doesn’t want to see blood!!! I tried to be a silent spectator of this drama as long as I could; after all I was the one who started it all.

When we were buying our cars, sonny boy expressed his desire to have a car which has a DVD player (read Mercedes Benz R500 MSRP $ 56,275…the guy has expensive taste I must say), so that he could watch Tom & Jerry in the back seat. Now, I know a lot of parents actually buy silence from their little ones by turning on the DVD player during long drives, and sometimes that silence is priceless, but I’m an old-fashioned girl…15 channels of so-called kids’ programming on TV plus countless “educational” computer games plus Gameboy is more than I can handle anyway…no kid of mine needs to be stuck to a pixilated screen in the car too! Of course the biggest reason is we can’t afford a $56k car…but try telling that to a 5 year old who thinks daddy owns the World Bank. So in my characteristic need to have the last word, I told him “over my dead body!” Little did I know that my famous last words will come back to bite me in the derrière!

So last night I watched my little baby, my bundle of joy, the light of my life, making plans to snuff me out so that he could have his daddy get him a car with a DVD player! In a flash I remembered the miserable nine months of carrying him inside me, the three day labor I went through to bring him to this world, the sleepless nights spent watching over him when he was sick, the years I spent being a stay-at-home-mom stifling my ambitions so that he gets the best attention…all mothers do that, right? That’s what motherhood is all about. You bring a child into this world, and then do your best to raise him/her right and lose yourself somewhere along the way…you stop being a person…your only identity is Mommy! But nothing in the handbook of motherhood had prepared me for this!

Of course I was told that he didn’t know what he was saying, that he has no clue what death is or the permanence of it, that as usual I’m over-reacting. But when my baby was asking his dad to put the knife in me, he looked so cold and distant. Where have I failed in raising this boy, I ask myself? Who do I blame for this…the TV? Tom & Jerry and their mindless, graphic violence? The consumer-driven world of instant gratification that we live in? Our policy to let our son have an opinion about things, treating him like person instead of a child? Are we raising a child who’s completely detached from reality?

I recall my childhood and my relationship with my mother. She was quite the Hitler…hers was a tough love and of course we were raised deprived, somewhat by design and also because she couldn’t afford to splurge. Growing up, I wished to get away, live my life on my own terms, earn enough money to be able to buy all the things I knew my mother could never afford to get me or herself for that matter…but never ever I wished her dead!

Every now and then I come across hapless moms trying to calm down hyperactive kids in malls, stores…typically the kid wants something that the mother is unwilling to get them and more than once I’ve heard a kid scream “I hate you!!! I wish you were dead!!” Such scenes would numb me to the core and I always wondered about my own reaction if my child ever said that to me. I had visions of slapping the living daylights out of him and then giving him up for foster care or something irrationally dramatic like that! But when it hit me last night, I was speechless. Was it because he didn’t throw a tantrum or scream at me, instead in the calmest manner one could expect of a 5 year old, he wished my end? Would it have been easier to deal with tantrum than the cold resolve I saw on his face?

I know the whole thing is much ado ‘bout nothing and this post is also quite meaningless. My ramblings here will be dismissed as the typical over-reaction of a drama queen! But what I’m trying here is to introspect and answer some questions about my own ability as a mother and to see if I’m fit to carry out the task that nature has entrusted me with! It hurts to fail you see!

9 comments:

indianpeppone said...

Since I am foremost expert on motherhood in my room, I can assure u that u have nothing to worry this time..... from my diet of American movies and sitcoms, I can tell u that this is just a beginning and that the teenage is the worst...
But then, that wont affect a mothers love will it.....
I salute all you mothers....

Lavanya said...

I am 25 and at times turn around and tell my mother to go and kill herself. Ofcourse, we could introspect whther she has riased me properly but the point is that Mom's the person to turn to for anything and everything - outlet for frustration, anger, irritation anything, coz dad wont have it, spouse will give it back, sibling will probably fling something at you but mom -they take it and come back to you to calm you down, then listen to your problem and also lend their laps so that we may curl up and cry later on. Mom's the wor(l)d!

jhantu said...

you have some interesting times ahead of you, keep us posted ;)

White Magpie said...

Freak incidents always occur. There has never been a relationship when either the child or the parent has wished the other dead at some point in their life. It's normal and a momentary thingy unless you have Hannibal Lecter's genes flowing in the veins :)

Nautilus said...

@Rahul:Somehow its hard to believe in your so-called expertise :-) And yes I know its downhill from now...oh well!

@Lavanya: Confession time...I once asked my mom to go home (she was staying with me at that time) after a particularly stupid and one sided (her side)argument and she didn't eat for three days. I shudder to think what she'd have done if I asked her to kill herself!

@Ghetu: Count on that dude.

@Magpie:Thanks for dropping by. I might have some cannibal streak in me...when sonny boy was smaller and podgier, I used to nibble on him all the time, which would always elicit wonderful gurgles of baby laugh! *sigh* But I was always careful not to bite of anything :-)

Spazsim Chasm said...

wow...very well written...my snoring doesn't seem quite that much of an issue anymore.
I hope to God that my poor sister, who has just had a little baby girl, never has to go through this.. it would probablly kill her. Really.
We have all probablly had vile images where the people who hurt us/ don't give us what we want get maliciously mutilated beyond repair... but only a tiny percent actually see the thought through...
Don't be surprised though, when that little boy of yours grows up and has his little boy vent the same frustration...
A thought - why don't you play the "when i was your age card" or the "as long as you live under my roof" card? My mom has become an expert on that...
Anyway.. thanks for stopping by... do come again..
SC

Nautilus said...

@Jhantu: Sorry I called you Ghetu :-(

@Spazism: Welcome. I like your name...Spazism...hmmm

I've played the "as long as you live under my roof" card a few times, but he's too small to get it...so I've stored it for use at a later date. "when I was your age" is something I can't get myself to say...my mom had done it to death...so I just tell spouse "when i was his age..." :-)

ichatteralot said...

Of course we are to blame - these days our kids behave like little maharajas and whoever or whatever comes between them and their desires should be eliminated! We created these brats - think about the women they'll marry and give 'em a tight slap like good ol times I say...

Nautilus said...

ichatter: Are you saying that where moms fail, wives succeed? :-)