The Origin of Crows

Once upon a time there was a small boy who lived in a city by the sea. He was a sweet little boy, quite mild mannered and was loved by every one. Being the only son after two girls, our little boy was quite privileged. His middle class parents showered him with all the gifts they could afford. He got a home-spun version of Sinclair ZX-81 computer with 2kb memory at the age of 10 on which our little boy started writing his very own computer games. Later his mother would sell this prized possession for mere ten rupees to the local junk-shop. Arround the same time, on the other side of the world a geeky teenager called William Henry Gates III was writing Traf-O-Data on a similar computer along with another teenager called Paul Allen. Their paths would cross with our little boy many years later, but this post is not about that.

Anyway, our little boy got an air gun as a gift when he reached his early teens. He and his equally privileged friends soon developed a favorite pastime – shooting crows! This was highly unusual, because the boy didn’t have a single violent bone in his body! Yet, he possessed a strong dislike towards crows and ruthlessly killed them with his air gun. He also happened to shoot the insipid son of his mom’s friend in the thigh though quite by accident. Fortunately nothing serious happened to that boy. But I digress… Anyway, our little boy found a like-minded partner in his cousin when he was visiting his uncle during summer vacation. They bonded over their common hatred for crows and together they made a sizable dent in the crow population of the immediate neighborhood that summer. I guess his father got a little worried by the sudden change of nature in his little boy, so at the end of the summer vacation, when the family returned to the city by the sea, the air-gun was left behind at his cousin’s place. Next summer when they went back there, somehow no one seemed to remember having seen the air-gun ever!

Many years passed, our little boy grew up into a bright young man and like most bright young men he too decided to explore the land of opportunities. Far away from home, from his loved ones he was all alone and not so privileged anymore. And to top it all there weren’t any crows in the bright and shiny antiseptic country. Yet, he couldn't quite get over his strong dislike for the black ugly birds. One night, lonely and hungry, probably slightly drunk, wallowing in nostalgia, he sat down in front of his type-writer and painstakingly typed out the following essay with only two typos. Ladies and gentlemen, from the dusty pages of almost forgotten past, I present you – The Origin of Crows!!!

There have been many theories about the origin of species. These theories were initiated by Charles Darwin and were followed by loads of other such loony scientists. However, all of them have been wrong only about one species – the Crows.

This paper intends to present to the world, the actual theory about the origin of crows. While all the species were developing peacefully, according to Darwin’s theory, in 20336858 BC during the time of dinosaurs, there was an invasion from outer space. Huge hoards of great black invaders stormed the earth. All over the earth there was panic wide-spread. The dinosaurs made desperate attempts to ward off the intruders. But there were too many of them. When the dinosaurs realized this they attempted in vain to flee. Finally, after a long drawn out, gruesome struggle, the dinosaurs were wiped out from the face of the earth and the world became the domain of these great black horrible repulsive creatures. For a few million years these creatures and their descendants ruled the earth. As they continued to dominate the earth, other strains of life stemming from the dinosaurs were also able to survive along with but under cover from these tyrannical creatures. Very soon these creatures adapted to air. They developed wings and took on a bird like structure. This was done so that they could look inconspicuous to their prey – all life on earth. These creatures were ruthless and cruel. They would very subtly kill other forms of life, making it apparent that they were absolutely innocent of the murderous deed. You may be surprised to know that these creatures still exist today.

These creatures are none other than what we call the common crow. So while all other forms of life developed parallel to the ancestors of the unscrupulous crows, without being aware of the fatal danger of them being around, man soon became, thanks to his high level of intelligence (?), the dominant species of the earth. However the danger posed by crows is still very serious and every year approximately 7000 people get brutally but subtly massacred by the crows. No one knows as yet how they do it, but it is certain that they do it. This actually is the real theory about the origin of crows. If they are not stopped, soon they will succeed in what they came to the earth to accomplish…the demolition of all life on earth and the taking over of the earth for the crow civilization of Crowton – the planet where the invaders came from. We must not allow the crows to further monopolize the earth. Demolish all crows.